Adventures of Tarn's Guys: Book 1
by Avatar of Olidammara
Summary: Basically, a bunch of disjointed players go through a DnD life. Nerd humor abounds In some respects...! R and R, por favor.


Encounter 1: Kobolds? What kobolds?

_Years ago, the most disjointed and confused group of adventurers ever joined together to fight the rising tide of evil in the world. There were four at the start, and they already had amassed great power. Except, of course, they were only level one, which meant that they would be fighting that which has plagued the adventurer for centuries: goblins and kobolds._

-0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

_You have all gathered in the Rusted Elf Bar and Cantina for various reasons. You are…_

_Mika- The Bard (Player: Melissa)_

_Rupert- The Fighter (Player: Eric)_

_Tarn- The Rogue (Player: Matthew)_

_And_

_Sora- the Paladin (Player: James)_

"I am in a bar. It is a good bar. I am looking for women to woo and such." Tarn said.

_You see Mika playing onstage. She is dancing in a suit that leaves little to the imagination._

"Kick-ass. I attempt to go onstage and kiss her." Tarn replied.

"When he gets up and tries, I bitch-slap him." Mika hissed.

"C'mon, why don't we go back to my room? We can look at the stars… have sex… under the stars." Tarn trained off.

"I'll whip your nerdy ass… under the stars." She replied disdainfully.

"Dude, you got p0wned!" Sora yelled, patting the rogue heavily on the back.

"Shut up." Tarn muttered.

"Am I part of this yet?" Rupert asked.

_Not yet… now you are. H'okay, make spot checks._

"My 22 says I am fine!" Tarn yelled.

"Metagamer…" Mika grumbled, "I get a 17."

"I got an 11…" Sora muttered, butting his hands behind his head full of spiky brown hair and sighing.

_Although Sora fails to see, several lizardlike creatures and wrinkled golblins walk into the bar. They carry shortswords and the head Kobold carries a scythe, while the head goblin carries an old musty book. Rupert follows after bound and gagged._

"Aw, c'mon!" Rupert yelled. However this was muffled by his gag.

"We is the Joint Union of Inter-low CR-species Labor, and we are here to tell you that us goblins and kobolds…" the leader began, but he was stopped by Mika.

"What kobolds? I just see goblins pretending to be kobolds so that they could form a union and get a tax deductible." She observed.

"Psst… you just made the biggest fumble I've ever seen. I'd like to see you get out of this with your head on your body." Tarn whispered to the bard.

"Tikki Longtooth says that you will die!" the kobold yelled before attacking viciously with his scythe. He swung in a wide circle and Mika dodged out of the way just in time. Suddenly the tip of a sword poked out of the Kobold's ribcage and he fell back, his eyes glazing over.

"Sneak attack, baby, yeah!" Tarn yelled.

"I suppose I shall fight. SMITE EVIL!" Sora yelled before slamming his greatsword (which was shaped suspiciously like a key) into a goblins head, then, slicing another one in half. "Cleave! I swear that that's the best feat ever! Except maybe Great Cleave." He pondered for a minute, during which time several weapons bounced harmlessly off his armor, and the one kobold knife that his him did no damage before disappearing in a puff of illogic.

"I break free of the ropes. Strength check 22." Rupert mumbled.

_Not enough. And who said you could make a strength check to break the ropes?_

"You son of a-" Rupert started.

_Shut up! There are innocent kids reading this, dammit! That's it!_

The head goblin raised his tome. "It's time to end this. Fireball!" he yells. Suddenly the bar erupts in an oily fire raised from the alcohol and other substances in the back room catching fire and exploding violently.

"Hey, you can't do that! An appropriate encounter for characters of level one does not include a wizard with that high level a spell!" Tarn yelled.

_Says who?_

"Says both the Player's Handbook and the Dungeon Master's Guide!" Tarn yelled back.

_I'm the DM: I make the rules. Besides, if Rupee over there hadn't argued, you wouldn't have just been blown up. But alright, I'll let you live._

Miraculously, all four of the adventurers survived. Everyone else, however, was dead and gone, with the Rusted Elf a pile of grotesque ruin.

"Good word choice." Rupert pointed out.

_Don't push it._

However, they all now felt that fate had compelled them to adventure together and to vanquish evil. They would travel and gain a reputation across the land. They were now…

"The Black Wolves!" Mika suggested.

"The Keyblade Bearers!" Sora added.

"Tarn's Band of Merry Men!" Tarn yelled.

"I don't really care in case you hadn't noticed, I'm still tied up." Rupert intoned.

"This isn't going to work." Tarn said.

"I know! We could be Tarn's Keyblade Bearing Black Wolves who don't Really Care!" Mika yelled.

"Or Tarn's Black Wolves for short!" Tarn pronounced.

_I hope this isn't a bad time to mention your 1200 XP…_

A/N

Avatar: Dang, that was fun to write. Look, if there are any player stereotypes you think I should put in, just tell me and I'll at least consider putting it in. So far I have…

The Girl player who tries too hard (Mika/Melissa)

The Metagamer/Rules Lawyer (Tarn/Matthew)

The Stupid Fighter (Rupert/Eric)

The gypoff from another franchise (Sora/James)

This'll continue until they're either level 25 or I give up. Either way, things start getting interesting next Encounter.

Avatar out!


End file.
